• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

WhyWeSuffer.com

Transformative Insights from Depth Psychology

  • BASIC PRINCIPLE
  • About
  • Services
  • Comments
  • Contact
  • Books
  • Show Search
Hide Search

Follow Your Fantasies to Self-Awareness

Peter Michaelson · January 15, 2016 ·

Fantasies, like dreams, can give you vital knowledge about yourself.
Fantasies, like dreams, can give you vital knowledge about yourself.

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living,” said Dr. Seuss, whose children’s books have sold in the hundreds of millions. “It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope … and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

Yes, fantasy is a wonderful, enjoyable spinoff of our imagination, especially when a magical, mischievous Cat in the Hat comes by to visit. But sometimes the visitor from our imagination is a real villain, a remorseless Grinch who not only steals Christmas but happiness and peace of mind all through the year.

Fantasies come in all shapes and sizes, and they can stick around for hours at a time. People frequently have fantasies (or daydreams or reverie) about being famous or rich, aggressive or passive, triumphant or shamed, sexually active or impotent, and bonded to others or abandoned by them. People often imagine having magical or healing powers or fantasize being someone else. People with mental disorders, or even some neurotic people, sometimes can’t distinguish fantasy from reality.

If we’re willing to look deeper, we can analyze and interpret our fantasies for the purpose of overcoming inner conflict and all its attendant miseries.

While some fantasies are harmless, others are dangerous. As one example, people with serious mental disorders or with identifications in victimhood or indoctrination in dogma have become murderers or mass killers after having been absorbed on a daily basis in violent fantasies.

Researchers say people typically have seven or eight fantasies a day and sometimes as many as forty a day. A fantasy might last only a few seconds or it could go on for an hour or more. Some people have what’s called a “fantasy-prone personality.” Often they set aside times of the day to immerse themselves in vivid, life-like scenarios that are much like lucid, guided dreams.

Many people have Walter-Mitty type fantasies in which a neurotic, meek, or passive person fantasizes about being an adventurer or heroic figure. These fantasies are not wrong or harmful in themselves, though it greatly helps, for the purpose of becoming stronger, to understand that the fantasies are produced to compensate for underlying passivity and identifications in victimhood.

Fantasy is often employed to cover up emotional issues that we’re reluctant to acknowledge or come to terms with. In other words, the fantasy itself, along with its accompanying emotions, becomes the defense. One client said he used to spend hours a day remembering scenes in which he had been hurt, humiliated, and beaten down. In these fantasies, he would become aggressive—vengeful, violent, and sadistic. At times, he would verbalize his fantasy, speaking aloud and in a rage, when driving or alone at home. “Thankfully, I’ve never done this in public or around people,” he said.

These fantasies were a reaction to how, deep within his psyche, he still harbored feelings of being victimized by people or circumstances. He became aggressive in his fantasies as a defense, meaning that the anger and rage he felt were intended to cover up the degree to which he was willing on a daily basis to stir up and indulge in unresolved negative emotions having to do with feeling hurt, humiliated, trapped, and controlled.

His aggressive fantasies served as psychological defenses through which he could make this (false) claim: “I’m not willing to go on feeling hurt, humiliated, and victimized over what happened in the past (or today at work). Look at how, through my aggression and rage, I protest against the circumstances I have to deal with and the hurt that is done to me.” Through therapy, he dispelled the anger and rage by exposing how these painful emotions served as self-deception so that he didn’t have to acknowledge his own collusion in feeling hurt, trapped, and controlled. Through the process of acquiring self-knowledge, he became aware of how determined he had been on an unconscious level to maintain the inner conflict that left him entangled in chronic emotional suffering.

It’s important for people to understand that fantasies of being particularly aggressive or vengeful are often covering up unresolved inner passivity. Their defense is usually simple and straightforward: “I don’t want to feel passive. Look at how much in my fantasies I enjoy the feeling of being aggressive.”

Another client had fantasies of being rich, though he imagined, at the same time, being conned and manipulated by relatives who made off with his money as he passively stood by. He also entertained another fantasy in which “some creep or alpha male” would take his girlfriend from him. “Not only am I docile but I actually pay for their dinner and drive them around while they mock and snicker at my expense.” In real life, he said, “I wouldn’t let any of this ever go down, especially now as I see more clearly where this comes from within me.”

This man’s defense involved an inner process in which he accepted punishment in the form of guilt and shame for allegedly being such a “loser” for tolerating this mistreatment. The defense reads, “I don’t want to experience myself in this humiliated, passive manner. Look at how badly I feel about myself for allowing this mistreatment to occur. I wish I wasn’t such a loser!” However, pleading guilty to being a loser was just a defensive ploy he adopted to avoid recognizing his emotional attachment to feeling passive.

Many women feel guilt and shame concerning their enjoyable fantasies of sexual surrender. They feel wrong for having these fantasies (sometimes referred to as “rape fantasies”) because of the passivity involved. Yet fantasies of sexual surrender can be appropriate in many situations. A great deal of pleasure is available in the process whereby passivity is libidinized (made sexually pleasurable), and lovers can feel great intimacy through such emotional connection. The key is whether the fantasies are enjoyed in a loving manner—as a playful exchange of the male’s aggression and the female’s passivity. When experienced appropriately, the woman feels she controls the fantasy and can shift out of the fantasy and the passive mode, if she so desires, at any point before, during, or after lovemaking.

Meanwhile, the allure of “libidinized” passivity is such that much of the male’s pleasure during such sexual encounters can derive from his identification with the female’s passivity. Of course, men can also derive much of their pleasure by being passive to a woman’s sexual aggression. Again, as long as such libidinized passivity is not the constant emotional recourse or the only means through which orgasm is achieved, the pleasure can be healthy and appropriate.

A wide variety of inner issues are involved when men have fantasies of seducing women other than their own partner. The man can feel the fantasies represent sexual aggression, though unconsciously he might be harboring passive feelings concerning his partner. He might also be attracted to other women because he’s feeling some disappointment in his partner, which could mirror issues involving disappointment in himself. He might be feeling rejected by his partner, and his fantasies serve the purpose of rejecting her in turn. He might simply be using his sexual fantasies in an attempt to fill an inner emptiness in him, though he might be unable or unwilling to discuss his feelings of self-alienation with his partner (possibly because he’s not even aware of them in himself or has deep shame associated with them).

Keep in mind, having a fantasy life is much better than having none, providing, of course, that the fantasies are not exclusively of a negative or violent nature. As one expert said, the florid mind of the fantasizer is far more interesting than that of his opposite, the person who seems not to fantasize at all. People who report no fantasies tend to be “bland, colorless, matter-of-fact people, very rigid and repressed.”

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Share This:

Filed Under: Consciousness, Depth Psychology, Inner Passivity Tagged With: becoming emotionally stronger, fantasy life, fantasy-prone personality, feeling trapped, imagination, psyche, victimized, Walter Mitty

Primary Sidebar

MOST OF OUR suffering is avoidable. Our emotional and behavioral problems can be resolved. We just have to understand how our psyche works. This website is dedicated to teaching vital psychological knowledge. Do you need help to curb drinking or to get off drugs? Are you facing a divorce or a career failure? Are you anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed by life's challenges? Perhaps you're simply unable to get your mind or intelligence into high gear. I can help. I'm Peter Michaelson, an author and psychotherapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I teach people how to overcome unconscious programming that produces suffering and self-defeat.

WHY WE SUFFER–THE BOOK

My book, Why We Suffer--A Western Way to Understand and Let Go of Unhappiness, is the story of what mainstream psychology has failed to teach the world. The depth psychology in this book has vital insights, answers, and solutions for you. Click on the Books link above for more information. --

Other Articles

  • Happiness Hinges on Psychological Insight
  • The President Hears from Dr. Freud
  • People Who Hate Love
  • The Language that Liberates the Self
  • Dare We See the Trump in Us?
  • The Emotional Catering Service
  • Are You Addicted to Self-Punishment?
  • A Hidden Cause of Loneliness
  • The Impulse to Destroy Democracy
  • We Get Stronger by Seeing Our Weakness
  • The Warmonger in Our Psyche
  • Armed with Stubbornness, the Weak Go on the Warpath
  • How to Rescue Yourself from Suffering
  • My New Book (of Poetry!) Is Versed in Depth Psychology
  • Finding in Self the Richness of Being
  • Sports Fans and Their Discontents
  • Two Terrible Voices in Your Head
  • Why People Support Donald Trump
  • The Vital Knowledge We Disown
  • Climate Anxiety and the Psyche
  • Abandonment, Self-Abandonment, and Democracy
  • Our Readiness to Feel Controlled
  • The Key to Emotional Self-Regulation
  • Seven Villains in a Sad Love Story
  • The Latest Pandemic: Feeling Overwhelmed
  • The Blindness of the Species
  • Why Americans Are So Wretchedly Divided
  • Are You Passive to Your Mind?
  • What Freud Knew That We Still Hate to See
  • The Emotional Conflict Behind 50 Mental-Health Symptoms
  • A Novelist’s Quest to Unravel His Madness
  • When Inner Growth Feels Impossibly Difficult
  • Haunted by Incessant Wanting
  • My New Book: Healing Our Deadly Flaw
  • Inner Conflict’s Role in Child Suicide
  • Putin’s Psyche
  • The Flaw Wars that Sabotage Relationships
  • Can You Be Your Own Therapist?
  • The Difference Between Learned Helplessness and Inner Passivity
  • The Sad Sordidness of Inner Conflict
  • The Deep Knowledge that Liberates the Self
  • The Four Dimensions of Our Ego
  • Are You Overly Sensitive to Rejection?
  • Evolving Consciousness is the Lifeblood of Mental Health
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 9)
  • Don’t Be Duped by Your Defenses
  • The Shocking Secrets of the Psyche
  • The Undercover Enabler of Habitual Oversleeping
  • Understanding the Assault on the U.S. Capitol
  • The Sheepishness of the Psyche: A One-Act Play
  • Three Self-Defeating Reactions at the Heart of American Disunity
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 8)
  • Our Compulsion to Self-Punish
  • Ego and Self Do Battle for the Soul of America
  • The Hazards of Inner Conflict
  • A Toxic Inner Process Afflicts Humanity
  • Don’t Let America Betray Herself
  • Inner Conflict Ripens in the Hothouse of Pandemic
  • Living and Dying with Coronavirus
  • How the Coronavirus Plays with Our Mind
  • Access the Genius Within
  • How Meditation and Depth Psychology Overlap
  • Guilt: A Favorite Way to Suffer
  • Understanding the Psyche of Boys
  • The Joy of Militant Ignorance
  • Answers to Questions From Readers (Part 7)
  • Breaking the Chains of Self-Imposed Oppression
  • Jordan Peterson’s Blind Spot
  • Learning to See Ourselves Objectively
  • When Food is Used to Feed Inner Conflict
  • How You Can Save the World
  • The Inner Critic is a Primitive Brute Force
  • The Self-Defeat of Passive Morning Thoughts
  • Get Rid of Guilt with Deeper Insight (II)
  • Discover Sublimation, the Agent of Success
  • The U.S. Government’s Flawed Intelligence on Clinical Depression
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 6)
  • 12 Ways We Fail to See or Experience Reality
  • Is Ambivalence a Hidden Factor in Much of Human Misery?
  • Inner Conflict is the Source of Cognitive Distortion
  • A Psychological Hindrance to National Unity
  • A Technique for Overcoming Insomnia
  • Liberals Need More Psychological Insight
  • Why We Urgently Need Inner Truth
  • Notes to Psychotherapists on Addressing Inner Passivity
  • Are You Living Your True Story?
  • Another Visual Portrayal of Our Psyche’s Dynamics
  • Get to Know Your Psyche’s Operating Systems
  • Illustrating the Characters Who Mess With Our Mind
  • How to Love Yourself
  • Don’t Let Inner Passivity Undermine Democracy
  • Connecting With Our Best Self
  • The Deeper Roots of Social Unrest
  • The Las Vegas Killer’s Hidden Motive
  • My Latest Book is Now Available
  • Insight that Conquers Incessant Negative Thinking
  • New Editions of All My Books Now Available
  • The Exhausting Race against Time
  • The Perils of Past, Present, and Future
  • The Mocking Voice of Inner Resistance
  • The Essentials of Empowerment for Enablers and Codependents
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 5)
  • The Appeal of Alternative Facts
  • Are You a Clone of Your Identifications?
  • Unmasking Fear Itself
  • Fundamentalism and the Psyche
  • Ascending to Joy
  • Now’s the Time for Heroes
  • Feeling Like a Fraud or an Imposter?
  • The Invisible Wall of Psychological Resistance
  • Cognitive Therapy’s Flawed Premise
  • Dealing with Election Aftershock
  • After the Election: Healing the Divide
  • Collapsing into Helplessness
  • Solve the Mystery of Your Suffering
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 4)
  • An Insightful Case of Self-Injury
  • Understanding Inner Evil in Mass-Killers
  • A Common Theme in Relationship Strife
  • Breaking Free of Inner Passivity
  • Are You Hopeless of Ever Finding Love?
  • Words to Enlighten Younger Children
  • Deeper Reflections on Inner Passivity
  • Escape the Misery of Moodiness
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 3)
  • Emotional Fortitude for Anxious Times
  • Follow Your Fantasies to Self-Awareness
  • Answers to Questions from Readers (Part 2)
  • The Art of Self-Regulation
  • The Thrill of Fear
  • Answers to Questions from Readers
  • “Why Am I so Easily Discouraged?”
  • Paris and Our Discontents
  • Unconscious Bias in Race Relations
  • Acquiring a Feel for Natural Aggression
  • Defensiveness for Dummies
  • Exposing the Roots of Emotional Suffering
  • Who Wants to Be a Celebrity?
  • Say Goodbye to Your Regrets
  • How to Recognize Good Psychotherapy
  • Visions of Human Destiny
  • Tears of Self-Deception
  • Westerners Who Identify with Terrorists
  • A Decisive Look at Indecision
  • Neurotics on Capitol Hill
  • Inner Passivity Impairs Leadership Skills
  • Hidden Dynamics of Racism
  • Unconscious Factors Fuel Abortion Fight
  • The Two-Minute Inner Workout
  • Defeating the Inner Bully
  • When Life Becomes Unreal and Dreamlike
  • Releasing Inner Passivity
  • Deliverance from Addictions & Compulsions
  • Life’s Painful Entanglements (Part II)
  • Insight into Gender Identity Disorder
  • The Psychology of Wealth Disparity
  • How Do We Achieve Self-Control?
  • Anger and the APA
  • A Painful Game People Play (Part I)
  • Prisoners of Guilt
  • Neurosis Unbound
  • The Lingering Pain of Old Shame
  • Emerging from Shyness
  • An Unconscious Factor in PTSD
  • When in Doubt about Sexual Orientation
  • Why Students Fail to Learn
  • How to Enhance Your Verbal Skill
  • Be Brave when Truth Comes Knocking
  • What Warps the Mind of Domestic Terrorists?
  • Greed as a Mental-Health Disorder
  • The Core of Being
  • The Folly of Modern Psychology
  • The Scoop on Intimate Partner Abuse
  • Tormented Mothers, Endangered Babies
  • Terrific Knowledge for Trying Times
  • Stung by Ingratitude
  • How to Be Your Own Inner Guide
  • Does Inner Growth Require Practical Steps?
  • A Remedy for Feeling Trapped
  • The Golden Rule Needs Depth Psychology
  • A Deadly Case of Inner Conflict
  • Vital Knowledge for Marriage Intimacy
  • Stressed Out in America
  • Four Steps to Stifle Our Inner Critic
  • Oh, Sweet Narcissism
  • The Pain We Lock Away
  • Cognitive Therapy’s Distorted Thinking
  • Indecisive No More
  • Chasing the Shadow
  • How Inner Passivity Robs Men of Power
  • A New Understanding of Bipolar Disorder
  • A Chaos Theory of the Mind
  • Free Yourself from Inner Conflict
  • Curbing Our Appetite for Brutality
  • The Futility of Compulsive Approval-Seeking
  • How Worriers Unconsciously Chose to Suffer
  • Get to Know Your Psychological Defenses
  • The Love Song of the Self
  • Finding Inner Longitude
  • Overcoming a Type of Resistance to Studying
  • Understanding Anorexia
  • The Human Weakness behind Alcoholism
  • Rebutting 9/11 Conspiracy Beliefs
  • Achieving Inner Freedom
  • The Mysterious Allure of Kinky Sex
  • Hooked on Deprivation
  • Aspects of Women’s Empowerment (Part II)
  • Men’s Resistance to Women’s Empowerment
  • The Missing Link in OCD
  • A Hidden Reason for Suicidal Thoughts
  • Overcoming Fear of Intimacy
  • O Shame, Where is Thy Secret Source?
  • The Correct Interpretation of Our Dreams
  • Escaping the Clutches of Helplessness
  • The Double Barrels of Gun Mania
  • Exterminate Infestations of Negative Thoughts
  • The Psychology Behind Mass Shootings
  • Our Messy Mix of Aggression and Passivity
  • Speeding Up Our Evolution
  • Why Our Emotional Suffering Persists
  • Easing Tension and Stress at Family Gatherings
  • Wallowing in the Lap of Bitterness
  • The Hidden Dynamics of Marital Strife
  • The Psychological Roots of National Disunity
  • The Futile Dialogue in Our Head
  • Psychologists of the World, Go Deeper
  • When You Feel Bad About Yourself
  • Cultivating a Life of Disappointment
  • Lost in the Fog of Inner Passivity
  • The Private Joke behind Our Laughter
  • Why We Fear and Hate the Truth
  • When Eyes Are Blinders of the Soul
  • How Deeper Insight Relieves Stress
  • When Money Enriches Our Suffering
  • The Common Ingredient in Human Misery
  • The Infantile Basis of Our Fears
  • Cynicism: The Battle Cry of the Wimp
  • Desperately Seeking Validation
  • Being Seen in a Negative Light
  • The Need to Believe in Yourself
  • Why We Dither on Climate Change
  • Avoidable Miseries of the Workplace
  • Taming the “Little Monsters” of Insomnia
  • A Plague of Neurosis Upon Our House
  • The Origins of Feeling Overwhelmed
  • Teach Your Children Well
  • Why We’re Quick to “Go Negative”
  • 8 Ways We Sabotage Physical Health
  • Occupy the Psyche
  • The Astonishing Basis of Our Addictions
  • Deliverance From the Lonesome Blues
  • Our Global Strategy for Self-Defeat
  • The Mayo Clinic’s Bogus Psychology
  • The Meaning of Evolved Consciousness
  • The Hanky-Panky Behind Our Anger
  • Lincoln’s Integrity, Our Integrity
  • Stubbornness: The Guts to Fight Reality
  • A Participant in National Self-Sabotage
  • Underlying Dynamics that Breed Bullies
  • Deliverance from Low-Level Anxiety
  • The Politburo in Your Psyche
  • Nagging: Love Destroyer, Marriage Killer
  • A Singular Cause of War
  • The Temptations of the Injustice Collector
  • The Dire Determinants of Divorce
  • Enjoy the Quality of Your Consciousness
  • The Helplessness Trap in Cravings & Addictions
  • Mark Twain’s Mysterious Misery-Machine
  • Obesity and the Dopamine Fallacy
  • Four Favorite Ways to Suffer
  • The Deeper Issues that Produce Meanness
  • Panic Attacks Arise from Within Our Psyche
  • The Overlooked Factor in Criminal Behavior
  • The Three Amigos of Woe
  • Overcoming Incompetence and Its Miseries
  • Three Great Truths from Psychology
  • The Hidden Cause of Clinical Depression
  • Terrorism and the Death Drive
  • Welcome Aboard the Voyage of Self-Discovery
  • The Bittersweet Allure of Feeling Unloved
  • How Inner Fear Becomes Our Worst Nightmare
  • The Problem with Positive Psychology
  • Respect, Disrespect, and Self-Respect
  • Neither a Procrastinator Nor a Dawdler Be
  • Prose to Shatter Writer’s Block
  • Stop Smoking through Psychological Insight
  • The Secret Allures of Pornography
  • How Deeper Awareness Can Eliminate Shame
  • When Sexual Desire Covers Up Self-Sabotage
  • The Dreary Distress of Boredom
  • Problem Gamblers are Addicted to Losing
  • The Tyrant that Rules Our Inner Life
  • The Negative Emotions Behind Addictions
  • Beware the Limitations of Superficial Psychology
  • Get Rid of Guilt with Deeper Insight
  • Riding the Emotional Wave of Turbulent Times

Article Archives



Copyright © 2025 WhyWeSuffer