I cringe at the childishness of modern psychology. In trying to solve our emotional problems, it offers us kindergarten-level information. If computer science were performing at this level, we’d all be using learning laptops for children.
I found this article at the Psychology Today website, and unfortunately it’s typical of much of the psychological “knowledge” that comes our way. The article is titled, “26 Ways to Love Yourself More,” and each of the 26 ways consists of simplistic advice. When it comes to the unconscious mind, advice is practically useless. The unconscious mind isn’t impressed by advice because it doesn’t operate according to rational principles.
The unconscious is chaotic, conflicted, and irrational. The best way to penetrate it—and to learn to really love ourselves and each other more—is to possess the correct knowledge concerning the inner dynamics that produce negative emotions and self-alienation.
I’ll illustrate my point with one of the tidbits of advice from the article mentioned above (number 14 on the list). It reads: “Unfortunately, my inner dialogue isn’t always kind or accepting. When I catch myself engaging in negative self-talk, I remind myself that I am enough, that I’m doing good work, and that I have friends and family who love me.”
This comment is going to be about as effective as a little boy or girl telling a big mean bully: “You shouldn’t be mean to me because I’m a nice person.” A bully would snicker maliciously at this and enjoy his meanness all the more.
Looking deeper into this issue, we can see that negative self-talk is produced by a vile bully—our inner critic—operating in our psyche without conscious oversight or adequate restraint. We succumb to this inner abuse because we are failing—through inner passivity—to recognize the dynamics of this inner conflict and thereby to stand up on an inner level to the bullying.
The resulting suffering we experience can be avoided. With deeper awareness, we can bring the inner bully into focus and then bring it to heel. We need to see clearly how it operates inside us. We especially have to see and understand how, on an inner level that tends to be unconscious, we are being passive to this inner bully.
The negative self-talk, it turns out, is not simply the voice of the bully. Another voice is present, that of a passive part of us. We can learn not to give any energy or credence to either of these two voices.
The worldwide problem of bullying is a symptom of the inner conflict in our psyche between aggression and passivity. Children and adults who are largely passive are more likely to draw the attention of bullies. As we all know, people can stop being bullied when they stand up for themselves and defeat the bully—physically if necessary but preferably, for the benefit of all, with verbal skill and power.
People have to acquire some sense of power in order to do this. Many people opt for an external form that consists of learning martial-arts skills or developing physical strength. Physical prowess isn’t necessarily needed, however, when we develop inner strength. We can acquire that strength by learning to thwart, neutralize, or defeat the inner bully. We first have to recognize, though, that the bully does exist and that, for many people, the first instinct is to be passive to it.
We next bring into focus the inner conflict between aggression and passivity, which happens to be active to some degree in the psyche of most people. This conflict can be illustrated through dramatizations of negative self-talk. In the first example below, the conflict takes place between the inner bully and inner passivity, while the second example illustrates resolution of the inner conflict. Both these examples of inner dialogue deal with the theme of loving oneself more.
Alice is the character in both dramatizations. In this first one, her inner critic and her inner passivity are doing the talking for her:
Inner critic: You’re friend Susan was right to be upset at you for forgetting her birthday. You didn’t even text her. It was selfish and inconsiderate of you.
Inner passivity: I don’t know how I forgot. She’s one of my best friends. If I’d remembered, I would have driven the 50 miles to see her.
Inner critic: What does that mean—you forgot! Everything is always about you!
Inner passivity: I have been very busy. Susan doesn’t understand what I’m dealing with. She took it too personally.
Inner critic: So what! It was her birthday. She thinks of you as her best friend. You’re not even sensitive to what she’s feeling.
Inner passivity: Look, I feel badly about it. I could see she was hurt. I apologized to her. I think she overreacted.
Inner critic: She was hurt, for sure. This could all have been avoided if you weren’t so self-centered. It’s always about you!
Inner passivity: Nobody’s perfect. I know I have my faults. I feel guilty about it. What more can I do?
Inner critic: You deserve to feel guilty. You’re not going to get off easy. You need to be punished for your insensitivity to her.
Inner passivity: Okay, okay. I’m not happy right now. Are you satisfied?
How can Alice truly love herself when she allows her inner critic to belittle her and hold her accountable? She is being especially passive in a situation such as this where her “misconduct” is, at worst, a breach of good manners. If Alice were stronger emotionally, she wouldn’t allow this inner dialogue to go on like this in the first place. Instead of being defensive, she would address the inner critic from her authentic self. Let’s look at the second example to see how this might be played out. Now she is speaking consciously for herself, rather than allowing the conflicting parts of herself to do the talking:
Inner critic: You’re friend Susan was right to be upset at you for forgetting her birthday. You didn’t even text her. It was selfish and inconsiderate of you.
Authentic self: Heads up, everybody! My inner bully is about to make a speech.
Inner critic: Don’t fool around and try to downplay what happened. Susan was very hurt.
Authentic self: You have no business holding me accountable or passing judgment on me. I’ll sort this out with Susan. We’ll remain good friends, I’ll see to it.
Inner critic: You deserve to be punished. I insist that you accept my judgment about this!
Authentic self: Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going to ignore you. What you say has absolutely no value.
Inner critic: You can’t do that. I’m the boss, here. I decide what’s right and wrong.
Authentic self: (Silence)
Inner critic: (Fading away) Listen to me . . .
Authentic self: (Silence).
Obviously, the challenge of loving oneself becomes easier when the inner bully is no longer able to get away with holding us accountable and subjecting us to criticism, sarcasm and self-condemnation. Simply put, we can neutralize the inner bully as we bring our inner passivity (the enabler of the inner bully) more clearly into focus.
Some experts and authors believe that negative self-talk needs to be replaced by positive self-talk. I disagree. When inner conflict is on the rampage, positive self-talk is like trying to persuade a hurricane to calm down. The power to calm an inner storm lies with the self. When we connect with our authentic self, we’re able to shut down the inner critic while establishing inner harmony and peacefulness. We can now cozy up to the sweet reality of our goodness, inner beauty, value, and strength. A deep trust in (or knowingness of) our worthiness now guides us, not positive self-talk.
To know oneself is to love oneself. We must struggle, though, to acquire self-knowledge. Recognition of our inner bully—along with its enabler, inner passivity—is an essential step in this process.
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My latest book has just been published. It’s titled, Our Deadly Flaw: Healing the Inner Conflict that Cripples Us and Subverts Society (2022), and it’s available here in paperback (315 pages) or as an e-book.
